


Baby, Keep Your Eyes on Me

by Love_andbalance



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Description of motherhood, F/M, Light Smut, Mentions of Pregnancy, Modern AU, Rekindled Relationship, Rey doesn't love her husband anymore, Reylo babies, Very angsty sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:48:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26906878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Love_andbalance/pseuds/Love_andbalance
Summary: Rey realizes that she doesn't love her husband anymore and has to decide what to do about it.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 88
Kudos: 355





	Baby, Keep Your Eyes on Me

_She was seething, rumbling, primed and ready to explode._

Rey realized she didn’t love her husband anymore on the second Tuesday in October.

He set a drink on the table in front her in her favorite coffee shop and everything inside her shifted horribly- the cracks and fissures that had been growing inside her suddenly widening around an awareness that left her hollow and terrified.

It was a decent choice, something she might have ordered for herself a day or two ago, but she’d been talking for weeks about coming here in the fall and finally being able to have her favorite pumpkin flavored concoction that she waited for all year. She’d mentioned twice on the way here that it was the first day that it was back on their menu.

_She closed her mouth on a sharp retort when he asked her about her day, clenched her teeth when he talked too loudly during a movie, pressed her lips together when he gave the kids sweets too close to dinner time._

When he had waved her off and told her he’d handle placing their order, she’d trusted him to take care of it. She hadn’t given it a second thought as she battled their exuberant twins through their fourth bathroom break of the day.

It was a challenge now that their daughters were potty trained-she’d had to pee while holding the stall door closed with her foot after one of them unlocked it, Anna had splashed sink water all down the front of her orange Halloween dress, and she’d had to carry Maisel back to the seating area after she’d somehow kicked off a shoe- and by the time she had wrangled the girls to a table and gotten them settled into their seats all Rey wanted was her drink.

The sight of him bringing her the wrong thing, of him not paying attention to the one thing she had asked him for, had knots of irritation tightening in her stomach and she hastily blinked away the tears in her eyes.

_He leaned in to kiss her and she turned her face away, letting his lips graze her cheek instead as she forced her own lips into a placating smile._

She closed her mouth on a thin line and set her teeth to keep from snapping at him uncharitably.

Twelve years.

Twelve long years of marriage- living together and raising their children- and sometimes it was like he didn’t listen to her anymore, like he didn’t know her at all.

Or at least like he didn’t know her at all _anymore_.

Once he would have been able to tell her exactly what her favorite drink was, her favorite book, her favorite color. He had memorized her soul with the same determined focus that he had used when he memorized the curves of her body and charted the places that made her moan.

_“I love you,” he told her, stopping to kiss the top of her head on his way out the door. “You too,” she muttered without looking up. She barely heard him sigh and didn’t move to find out why._

She’d fallen for him so quickly- the easy smile and the handsome face had carried her away on wings of romantic fantasy. He had been the perfect partner, the perfect lover and it had seemed logical enough that he would be the perfect husband, the perfect father.

He had the father part down, she had to give him credit for that. He was excellent with the kids as he cleaned them up and loaded them into the car after she’d swallowed down her wrong drink without complaint.

The husband part…

_They were running late, again, and maybe they wouldn’t have been if he had just helped her put the kids’ shoes on or bothered to pack a lunch. Bitterness rolled through her and she swallowed it down hastily, not realizing it was also swallowing her._

She sighed and stared out the window as he drove them home. He laid his hand over hers on the center console and she had fight the urge to be petty and tug her hand away, to tuck it onto her own lap out of reach where he couldn't touch her, so he couldn’t act like everything was fine.

It hurt her heart that he probably didn’t even realize that things _weren’t_ fine. He had no idea that he’d bought her the wrong thing or how many times a day she bit her tongue to stifle her irritation over something he’d done.

Twelve years was a long time.

Maybe too long.

_He reached for her in the darkness and she stiffened beneath his touch, turning a cold shoulder to his puzzled face._

She couldn’t put her finger on when exactly the thrill of his touch had faded. Sometime after they’d gotten married, certainly, but she couldn’t remember anymore if it had been before or after the girls were born.

Had it been when she’d been overcome with morning sickness every day for months?

When she’d been swollen and heavy and felt hideous in the last months of her pregnancy?

When she’d nursed for so many months afterward that she had begun to feel like her body belonged more to the kids than it did to herself?

Maybe it hadn’t been any of those things, or maybe it was a bit of all of them. Maybe it had just been when he had stopped looking at her like she set his blood on fire just by existing.

_She took their daughter from his arms without looking at him, her mind already running through the seemingly endless list of tasks that needed to be done before she could finally sleep. His fingers lingered on her arm before she turned away without speaking._

He leaned into her now as a mother, a partner, a necessary hand in making it through the burden of his days, but he didn’t really see her anymore.

He hadn’t seen her for so long that she had started to not see herself.

She was lost.

_He was curled around her when she woke up, his arm too heavy and his body too warm. She huffed in irritation as she pushed him off her to find her feet and start making breakfast for the kids._

“I’m not in love with you anymore,” she whispered after the kids were tucked in bed and their house had settled into familiar quiet, her heart aching as the unspoken truth that had existed so long between them clawed its way past her lips to leave them both bloody.

“I know,” Ben said. He was seated on the couch across from her and his hands were clenched tightly in his lap. She could read the truth of his words, the pain that he had carried inside him, written plainly on his face for the first time.

She had been so worried that he didn’t see her, and it suddenly occurred to him how long it had been since _she_ had really seen _him_.

She looked at him now- at the long lines of his face, the scattered pattern of moles and freckles that she once known as intimately as she had known as well as her own body, the tufted curls of his raven dark hair, the same shade as her daughters’.

There were creases at the corners of his eyes now, silver hairs sneakily working their way through the black. She’d seen the changes that had crept over him in the years they’d been together, but had she really noticed them? The way that they’d subtly altered his face, matured him from the reckless boy she’d fallen in love with to a responsible man. He was a husband now, a father, and he wore it on his face in the details she’d stopped looking for.

“I’m sorry,” she told him honestly. “I don’t know how we got here.”

He shrugged, the casual gesture failing to disguise the pain that he wore in the lines of his body. How long had he been this tense, this wrapped up in his agony? Had she done this to him without even realizing? “I don’t either.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” She looked at him helplessly, completely unable to stop the flow of tears.

He swallowed hard and looked away. “I thought…I thought if I did, you’d realize that you didn’t want this marriage anymore. I thought you’d realize that you wanted out and then you’d leave, and you’d take the girls and I…” He trailed off and pressed him hands to his face, digging his palms in over his eyes like he thought he might be able to push the tears back inside. “I didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t want to lose them.”

She sat for a moment, letting that settle over her. “Do you…do you still love me?”

He looked at her, eyes dark with pain. “Yes,” he said, and his fingers flexed, like he wanted to reach for her but had thought better of it at the last second.

“I’m sorry,” she said again because she didn’t know what else to say.

“I don’t think it’s your fault,” he said, bottom lip trembling slightly. “It’s my fault that you don’t love me anymore.” He rolled his jaw, working his lips in that particular way he had when he was overwhelmed and trying to process his emotions, and her heart broke again, just a little bit farther than she had thought it could.

She launched herself at him, tipping him backward onto the couch in surprise as she collided with his chest and threw arms around him.

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed into his neck. “I’m sorry and I hate this, and I don’t know what happened.”

“Shh,” he soothed, running his hands over her arms and back and her hair, trying desperately to stem the sudden flood of her despair. “It’s okay, baby, it’s okay.”

“It is _not_ ,” she wailed fiercely. “It is not okay. Don’t you dare tell me that it’s okay!” She was hiccoughing now with the force of her sobs, heaves that shook her body and wracked her ribs until she thought it might rip her apart. “I don’t want to take the girls from you, and I don’t want to not love you anymore. Just tell me how to fix it, Ben, tell me how we’re supposed to make it better.”

“It’s okay, baby, we’ll figure it out,” he told her, squeezing her tightly and rubbing her back desperately as she cried. His voice was husky with his own unshed tears and hearing it only made her cry harder.

He shifted beneath her, scooping her into his arms and turning until she was cradled in his lap with his arms wrapped around her. He held her that way until she sighed into his chest, her tears eventually reduced to sniffles as he waited patiently for her emotions to run their course.

She tipped her face up, wiping cheeks that were wet with tears and hot embarrassment, and met his gaze. He was looking at her like she was precious, like his heart was breaking as he held her, and she did the only thing that she could think to do, her instinct to soothe him stronger than any of her doubts.

His lips were soft and familiar when she pressed her own against them, her mouth slanting over his as he stilled in surprise. She pulled back, searching his face for signs of rejection or anger.

Would she want to kiss him if he had told her he didn’t love her anymore? He was probably fighting the urge to dump her off his lap and into the floor.

His expression was unreadable, frozen as he swallowed hard and puffed a little breath out through his nose, nostrils flaring.

“I’m sorry,” she began but his mouth closed over own before she could finish, his tongue sweeping past her lips to claim the space once again for his own. She arched into him, her fingers tangling in his hair to hold him close.

How long had it been since he had kissed her like this? How long since she would have let him?

He caught her lip between his teeth, and she whimpered and shifted trying to get closer to him, to telegraph with her body the need that had inflamed her mind.

She wanted him, more than she could remember wanting him in years, suddenly overcome by the fear of losing him and everything that they had built together. She didn’t love him, not the way she had once, but she wanted to. She wanted to reach out across the distance between them and remind them both that they weren’t alone.

Heat raced through her, skimming just under the skin to pool between her thighs. “Ben,” she begged, pulling back to look at him and wipe the tears on his cheeks.

He was trembling as he held her, and he didn’t bother to try to hide the conflicted emotions on his face- fear and relief warring for dominance in his eyes. He looked like he was afraid to hope but was desperate for any scrap of it that he could find.

“Take me to bed,” she asked, kissing the dimples on each side of his mouth. “Love me, Ben, please.”

He sighed and pressed his forehead to hers. “Are you sure?”

“Very sure,” she assured him. “I need you.”

He shuddered, the words seeming to hit some long dormant need inside him. Her grip tightened around his neck as he stood quickly and effortlessly with her in his arms, his long strides moving them quickly from the living room to the bedroom. She smiled in welcome after he placed her on their bed, holding her arms up in invitation as he looked down at her.

“Wait,” he murmured, and her smile faltered until he reached for her and began to slowly and carefully strip her of her clothes. Her skin heated beneath his gaze and the subtle brush of his hands on her skin.

He kissed his way over every part of her that he revealed, his mouth settling on the hot wet center of her until she was shaking with need and aching for him.

“Please,” she whispered, shifting her hips until he kissed his way up her body to her lips, the flavor of her own desire coloring the way he plundered her mouth.

“I’m sorry,” he told her as he pressed his tear stained face to her shoulder. “I’m sorry for not loving you enough, for not letting you know every day how beautiful you are and how lucky I am to have you.”

She tugged the shirt he was wearing over his head and reached for the button on his pants. “We’re going to fix it,” she said fiercely. “Right?”

“Yes, we’re gonna fix it,” he breathed, his hips bucking against her when she wrapped her fingers around the hard length of him. “I promise.”

She tipped her head back and closed her eyes as he settled between her thighs but her grabbed her chin in his hand and angled her face toward his own. “Rey, look at me,” he insisted, and she blinked up at him in the dim light of their bedroom. His face was set and determined. “Please, baby, just keep your eyes on me.”

She kept her eyes on his as he sank into her and whenever she closed them, he would stop moving inside her until she looked at him again. He was focused on her face, watching her so intently as he tried to convey his love for her through each slow roll of his hips.

He finally let her close her eyes as she tipped over the edge into ecstasy, burying his face in her neck as he followed her over.

_He was curled around her when she woke up, his arm heavy and his body warm. She smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek before she got up to make them all breakfast._

Rey realized that she was in love with her husband on a Thursday afternoon in February in their neighborhood grocery store.

He grabbed her favorite ice cream without her having to ask and everything inside her expanded to fill the cracks and fissures inside her, leaving bubbling happiness where despair had once been.

She would have been happy with a different choice, and she planned to buy the one he liked this time, but he’d been so attentive lately that he must have remembered that she liked this kind the best. She’d mentioned once last week when they were talking over their morning coffee.

_She took their daughter from his arms and gave him a quick smile, taking in the lines of his face and the dimples in his cheeks. He nuzzled into her neck and she giggled, making Anna and Maisel laugh as she danced just out of his reach._

He held her hand as they navigated the aisles, sneaking in treats for themselves and the kids. She trusted him to an eye on the list as she played with the girls. She couldn’t think of anything but her love for him as he kissed her sweetly for fourth time that day.

Keeping her hands off him now was a challenge now that things were going so well- Amilyn Holdo was an excellent therapist who had coached them on ways to keep their focus on each other in the midst of their hectic lives- and by the time they had loaded the kids and the groceries into the car all she wanted was to get home and spend her evening curled up with him.

The sight of him smiling at her from the driver’s seat as he navigated smoothly through late afternoon traffic was enough to make her stomach flip and happy tears swim in her eyes.

_He reached for her in the darkness and she turned toward him, pulling him in eagerly as he laughed, his hands sliding possessively over her skin._

She pressed her mouth to his and tangled her fingers in his hair, as excited to taste him now as she had been the first time.

Twelve years.

Twelve long years of marriage- living together and raising their children- and now it was like those years had flown by in an instant, like he loved her as much now as he had the day he’d married her.

She didn’t feel that awful loneliness and isolation anymore.

He could tell her exactly what her favorite drink was, her favorite book, her favorite color. He had once again memorized her soul with the same determined focus that he was using to memorize the curves of her body as he charted the places that made her moan.

_They were running late, again, but he had helped her put the kids’ shoes on packed a lunch. She kissed his cheek as they hurried out the door._

She’d fallen for him again so quickly- the easy smile and the handsome face so much more now than just a fantasy. He had been her partner, her lover and even though he wasn’t perfect he tried every day to be the best husband and father he could be.

He had the father part down- he had always been a natural at that. He was excellent with the kids as he helped her get them inside and settled in with their afternoon snack. They laughed when he kissed their heads and ruffled their hair.

The husband part…

_“I love you,” he told her, stopping to kiss the top of her head on his way out the door. “You too,” she tipped her face up and winked at him and he left the house with a smile on his face._

She smiled and shook her head as she put groceries in the fridge and picked toys up out of the floor. He grazed her temple with his lips as he stepped around her to put the bread away and she didn’t even fight the urge to give his shirt a tug that brought him back to her for a deep kiss that left him grinning.

It warmed her heart that he probably didn’t even realize how happy she really was. He had no idea that she was overflowing with emotions and was counting down the minutes until she could show him just how much she loved him.

Twelve years was a long time.

Not nearly long enough.

_He leaned in to kiss her and she turned her face to catch his lips, letting him linger over the contact as she relaxed into his chest and savored the steady beat of his heart._

She delighted in the thrill of his touch, though she couldn’t put her finger on when exactly that had returned completely.

Had it been the day he’d agreed to go to therapy with her?

When she’d been cranky and mean after the appointments had rubbed her raw and he’d still held her and refused to walk away?

When she’d finally found out who she was now a person and not just as a wife and a mother?

Maybe it hadn’t been any of those things, or maybe it was a bit of all of them. Maybe it had just been when he had started looking at her like she set his blood on fire just by existing.

_She chatted happily when he asked her about her day, laughed and ran her fingers over the ticklish spot on his ribs when he talked too loudly during a movie, pressed her lips together to hide a smile when he snuck the kids candy too close to dinner time._

He leaned into her now as a mother, a partner, a wife, and a lover.

He saw her so clearly that he had helped her see herself.

She was found.

_She was thriving, growing, primed and ready to bloom._


End file.
